10 Rules of Bad Writing

Bad writing is popular. For proof, we need look no further than office memos, gossip magazines and YouTube comments.


And we know what’s popular is what’s best. The most popular TV show is Jersey Shore. Our most visited dining experience is McDonald’s. And the most common artistic expression is the selfie.


We can capitalise on the popular style of bad writing by following these 10 rules:


1. You know more than your readers. By talking down to them, they will look up to you.


2. Adverbs pave the road to heaven. Use as many awesomely amazing articulate adverbs and adjectives as you can think of.


3. Trust your first thought. Write it down immediately. Done. Don’t edit. Editing is for hacks who couldn’t get it right the first time.


4. Use technical language. People value what they work for. The more they have to check the lexicon, the more they value your work. Give them nothing.


5. Avoid interesting examples. It makes the rest of your writing dull in comparison.


6. Never explain your opinions. It makes you sound unsure of yourself.


7. Use really, really, really, really long sentences because they allow you to communicate more information and also you save space by using fewer full stops and also it makes you sound incredibly smart to put together such a long idea plus if you have a word count you reach it faster.


8. Don’t be a word nerd. No one cares about spelling and grammar. Only the grammar geeks notice your mistakes anyway,


9. Poetry is for pansies. Leave the rhythm to the salsa dancers. And the rhyming and timing to the airy-fairy prancers.


10. People like puzzles. Don’t waste time weaving your arguments into a coherent structure. You’d be robbing them of the satisfaction of piecing together your disjointed ideas on their own.


There you have it. You too, can be regarded as a bad writer. You’re armed to enter the world of office memos, YouTube comments and gossip magazines. Good luck.